Monday, November 29, 2010

Tips for Clueless Drivers

This Thanksgiving, my partner and I decided to spend Thanksgiving with his parents and family in West Virginia. Now, ordinarily I don't drive over 4 hours because I hate it and I usually end up wanting to kill someone. However, since he does most of the driving, it's not a big deal. I only actually drove about 3 hours of the 8 hour drive or so, but mentally, that was about all I could handle.

Perhaps you saw my tips for ignorant airline travelers. One would think the roads would be better, after all, you are in more control than when you are in an aircraft. But I say nay, nay. If anything, it's worse and there are a lot of clueless, ignorant drivers out there. keep from ramming one of the many stupid drivers I saw this past Thanksgiving, I thought I'd make a list. In reality I was cursing them and giving them a bit of universal sign language. I don't carry a concealed weapon for the simple fact that I'd be too tempted to use it.
So here we go. Pay attention, take note and make sure you are not one of these people who cause so much aggravation.

1. Well of course we'll start with simple things like lanes. The right side of the lane and the left side of the lane. The left side of the lane in this country is for passing slow-ass people in the right side of the lane. It doesn't matter if you are going the speed limit in the left lane. The left lane is for PASSING. If you aren't PASSING, then get the hell out of the left lane. The person behind you honking, cursing and waving at you is not greeting you (this is more than likely me).

2. Now no one get their panties in a wad here, but let's face it. At some point, once you hit the age of 70, this notion pops into your mind that you have to have a big-assed car. Usually this is a Lincoln Town car or a Cadillac since you can't really by those unless you are now on social security (they check). So, as a responsible child or friend of the elderly, perhaps suggest a more reasonable know, one they can see over the steering wheel or change lanes without taking out sixteen cars. Maybe a Kia or something. Think of the money that would be saved...see inheritance!!$$

3. I've never understood why people can't get ready at home. Your car is not for the following things: Putting on your make up, shaving, reading, working on your computer, or plucking your eye brows. Yes, I've seen all of them. What you can't get done at home before you leave probably isn't important enough to risk your life. At least I know it's not important enough to risk MINE. I do realize that people who do aforementioned things truly belive they can multitask in that manner, but they can't. That would be evident by the swerving in and out of lanes as they move down the highway.

4. Fast cars were meant to move fast. If you own a luxury car such as a Lexus, BMW, Mercedes, etc, it's an embarrassment to their maker when you are riding in the PASSING lane well under the speed limit causing a mile long back up. Recently I saw a smart car pass a Mercedes. REALLY? I mean those get blown off the road by a sudden guest of wind!

5. I hate the states that have or are trying to ban cell phones in the car. However, MOST people really can't talk and drive at the same time. I'm not sure why...It's like when you put a device up to your ear, everything else has to stop. Multi-tasking people! You can drive and talk on the cell phone. It's like walking and chewing gum. For some reason, people on the phone also can't pass cars even though they are in the, yes, PASSING LANE.

6. Center turning lanes can be tricky I know. A center turning lane is so that you can move over into it without stopping. Many people cannot do this and therefore come to a complete stop before moving into the center passing lane or slow to a glacial crawl. Usually they are in the PASSING LANE! You do not, repeat, do not have to come to a complete stop before moving into the passing lane. Doing so will earn you the universal symbol for moron.

7. Now don't go sending me any hate mail. I like other people's kids, emphasis on other. However, if you have a gaggle of children in the back of your van and it looks like a circus, this might be a distraction. And you thought a cell phone was a distraction. I'm not saying don't take your kids driving and on trips, that would be silly talk. I'm merely suggesting a mild sedative. I hear Benadryl works great for this purpose. I mean really, wouldn't it be safer for all, and think of how much quieter the drive would be! Personally, I myself would need a strong sedative after an 8 hour drive with four screaming kids. I'd have to be in my happy place a long time to recover from that!

8. The south has a reputation for being filled with rednecks. We definitely have our share. They seem to multiply when a natural disaster occurs and the news crews come out. However, you do not need to fly the rebel flag on your truck. We know you are a redneck. The deer strapped to the hood, the bumper being held on with duct tape were all visual clues pointing us to the fact that you are a redneck. We don't need the rebel flag as a visual. I swear I saw 10 rebel flags flying in trucks on the way home.

9. I'm not going to say I never eat while driving. I'm busy, sometimes I have to stop by the drive through and grab something from place to place. Let's think about it though people. If you KNOW you are going to be driving, perhaps the biggest burger on the menu isn't really the best option. While you sloshing crap all over your clothes and swerving from lane to lane so you can get the last bit of food, the rest of us our defensively driving like our life depended on it...which it does. Forgo the big mac maybe and try something easier to eat so that the roads will be just a bit safer. This Thanksgiving, I saw a woman gnawing on a turkey leg...yes hard to believe I know...I'm just telling you what I saw. I'm pretty sure that turkey leg could have waited until she got home

10. And finally, if you are one of those obnoxious people who block the intersection because you just HAD to squeeze on through to get on with your busy life, don't looked shocked, dazed and confused when the cars trying to get through our cursing at you and blowing their horns at you. If it were up to me, I'd just push your car on off the road and move along my merry way. But alas, I don't make the laws and I would scratch my car.

Feel free to add to this list. I'm sure there are some things I'm missing that simply need to be said :)

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Election Day Feature!

Well Election Day is finally here!! From that statement, several may draw the conclusion that I’m a die-hard political follower excited about a new round of politicians about to take office. Not really. I’m actually excited that I can now watch my favorite tv shows without hearing another political ad. Don’t get me wrong, I do my civic duty and all, I just get tired of the ridiculous ads.
I thought this would be a good day to feature some of the recent politicians and public figures who deserve a spot on “Random Acts of Stupid”!

Mark Sanford of course is the current republican governor of South Carolina. Thankfully, he is about to be the former governor of South Carolina. The local tv station here actually wasted a few minutes of my news time asking him what he was planning to do now, what’s next? Who cares? I didn’t care what he did when he was in office; let alone what he is going to do now. Remember, he is the governor that made national news when he went missing for days. Supposedly he was out hiking the Appalachian Trail. Of course, the country soon found out that he was actually “Tapping the Argentinian Tail”. I’m actually starting a campaign encouraging him to move to Argentina. I understand that their village idiot has passed on and they are currently looking for another one. I can’t think of a better candidate than Mark Sanford. I mean, he’s served as our village idiot for the last several years…just think of all the experience he could take to the job.

Jim DeMint is one of those politicians who I have nothing good to say about, so I usually say nothing at all. However, who can ignore his remarks about public education and teachers. For those of you who are in the dark, Jim DeMint said a few years ago that any teacher who is a homosexual or an unwed mother should be fired. Now, most intelligent people (obviously Mr. DeMint is excluded, bless his heart) realize the flaw in this. I would love to have been on the side challenging that remark. What about the male teachers nailing everything that moves? Are they ok? I mean, there isn’t any proof that they are having sex. They can’t get pregnant so, are they ok to teach? What about divorced people? I’m sure that ranks low for Mr. DeMint. If you strip away everyone he thinks shouldn’t be teaching, well there isn’t many people left now is there? Unfortunately he will continue to be elected.

Carl Paladino of course is the republican candidate for New York governor. I love New York City and can’t imagine that the people there will actually elect this man as governor. I may just have to boycott NY for a few years if indeed he gets elected. He was the one of course that made news for several reasons. Most notably because he made some very anti-gay remarks. His wife actually spoke out against him. I can’t imagine why she wouldn’t support her husband—oh wait—that’s right, there was that whole extra-marrital affair/love child thing. Could it be maybe that their marriage isn’t the strongest pillar at the Coliseum? I’m not sure where Paladino thinks he has the right to talk about morality. He obviously has had a difficult time keeping it in his pants during his life. Perhaps he should just skip over all the controversial moral issues. I mean, seriously, it’s like Mark Sanford giving a lecture on the sanctity of marriage!

Clint McCance recently made news when he posted extremely anti-gay remarks on his Facebook page. Actually saying he was glad that gays get aids and die and that he would disown his own children if they were gay. Have you seen Clint McCance? My first thought was OMG!!!!! A missing link has been found!!!!! And imagine my surprise when I learned that it speaks too!! It doesn’t speak intelligently or have anything intelligent worth saying, but it does speak. Scientists all over the world should have been ecstatic that a missing link this well preserved is actually living and serving in a public position! Of course McCance is now recanting and apologizing because his family is under fire. He’s getting an up close and personal view of what hate feels like and he doesn’t like it. He has resigned from the school board position. The kids in that Arkansas district are now better off. I mean really….where the hell is natural selection when you need it?

It should be an interesting election night. Unfortnately for South Carolina, I'm pretty sure the republicans will win. I've told my partner we may need to move if Haley and Zais gets elected. I holding out that at least one democrat will make it into office and provide some balance. After Mark Sanford for the last few years, South Carolina needs a governor who will actually work for the people instead of flying off to Argentina to have sex.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Robes and Wings?

So, halloween is always a stressful time of year for me! We throw a big party for all of our friends (costume of course) and have a great time. Coming up with a good costume is always a big challenge. Last year, I went as a vampire. It was overall a great costume except my fangs wouldn't stay in...I don't know how vampires do it!! So this year, we decided to go as Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort (me being Lord Voldemort of course).

So, a few weekends ago we went and found our costumes at a local halloween store after a very long time of searching! When I got home, I realized my "robe" was actually a cape with a hood and not a robe at all. So today we stopped in to buy the robe.

Now, I fully understand the concept that these stores are only open once a year, and sometimes I think that's probably all the people who work there come out from, well wherever they live. So, after searching for sometime for a robe, my partner finally told me to ask one of the ladies who worked there. Conversation below:

Me: "excuse me, do you have any black robes" (this is afterall's a staple right?)

Her: "Robes? Black Robes? We have black Wings"

Me: (confused look on my face as to how we got from robes to wings) "Oh ok"

So at this point, whether it's because I'm still trying to figure out how the hell I ask for a robe and she throws out wings, I'm ready to leave, more distraught because I'm leaving tuesday for a conference and won't be back until the day before the party. However, we ran into another worker there who when wasked the questions said "Why yes, we have a bunch of robes".

I'm still not sure what the sales person we asked the first time was on, but I might be interested. Last time I looked, Lord Voldemort wasn't flying around Muggleville with tiny wings!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Random Acts of Stupid--The Beginning

Heraclitus, a Greek philosopher once said "Stupidity is better kept a secret than displayed". This quote should be displayed across billboards across the country. It seems like in the last year, the number of random acts of stupidity has increased significantly. Perhaps I've become more cynical over the last year or maybe I've just lost patience. I have to steel myself every time I walk into Wal-Mart these days. Rarely does a trip to Wal-Mart go by without some person doing something incredibly stupid. It's weird, Wal-Mart seems to be a gathering place of those who don't think before they act or speak. During my most recent trip to Wal-Mart, I almost had my car totaled by a redneck driving a pickup truck. As I was pulling out of my parking spot, he nearly slammed into me and proceeded to blow his horn at me like I was doing something wrong. I have to admit, I did not look in that direction to make sure nothing was coming because it was a ONE WAY road. Now, how might one discern which way to go in a parking lot? Well there are three key indicators to look for.

#1 The first and most prominent is the white arrow painted on the ground. Your vehicle should be moving in the same direction as the arrow, not against the arrow. Against the arrow is bad.

#2 The second key indicator to look for is which direction the cars are parked in. If you have to make a five point turn to get in the parking lot, a light bulb should be going off. First look for the arrow, then look to see if perhaps it's so hard getting in the parking spot because the cars are parked the wrong way, you know, the lines being drawn in such a way that the person going the right direction can easily get between them.

#3 The third indicator is all the people blowing their horn at you, cussing at you and making gestures at you with certain fingers.

The before mentioned redneck in the pickup truck of course did not take notice of any of the indicators above. Unfortunately, it wasn't a good day to tick me off. Fortunately, it was a warm day which means my top was down on my car allowing him to hear everything he was doing wrong in choice words and gestures. I'm still certain he was confused, bless his heart. My partner fully expects to get the call one day that I've been shot in the Wal-Mart parking lot because I've cussed out yet another stupid person. Stupidity is everywhere!! From a cheating gubernatorial candidate having the audacity that he gets to have an opinion about gays and morality to one of South Carolinas own deciding he should have an opinion as to who gets to teach and not teach based on his definition of morality. Most of the Random acts of Stupidity I come across tend to be in politics so I'm sure many of the posts will be about the people we the people elect. I could fill ten blogs with the acts of stupidity I read about or come across each day while out and about shopping and such, but for now, I'll just highlight the best!