Monday, November 29, 2010

Tips for Clueless Drivers

This Thanksgiving, my partner and I decided to spend Thanksgiving with his parents and family in West Virginia. Now, ordinarily I don't drive over 4 hours because I hate it and I usually end up wanting to kill someone. However, since he does most of the driving, it's not a big deal. I only actually drove about 3 hours of the 8 hour drive or so, but mentally, that was about all I could handle.

Perhaps you saw my tips for ignorant airline travelers. One would think the roads would be better, after all, you are in more control than when you are in an aircraft. But I say nay, nay. If anything, it's worse and there are a lot of clueless, ignorant drivers out there. keep from ramming one of the many stupid drivers I saw this past Thanksgiving, I thought I'd make a list. In reality I was cursing them and giving them a bit of universal sign language. I don't carry a concealed weapon for the simple fact that I'd be too tempted to use it.
So here we go. Pay attention, take note and make sure you are not one of these people who cause so much aggravation.

1. Well of course we'll start with simple things like lanes. The right side of the lane and the left side of the lane. The left side of the lane in this country is for passing slow-ass people in the right side of the lane. It doesn't matter if you are going the speed limit in the left lane. The left lane is for PASSING. If you aren't PASSING, then get the hell out of the left lane. The person behind you honking, cursing and waving at you is not greeting you (this is more than likely me).

2. Now no one get their panties in a wad here, but let's face it. At some point, once you hit the age of 70, this notion pops into your mind that you have to have a big-assed car. Usually this is a Lincoln Town car or a Cadillac since you can't really by those unless you are now on social security (they check). So, as a responsible child or friend of the elderly, perhaps suggest a more reasonable know, one they can see over the steering wheel or change lanes without taking out sixteen cars. Maybe a Kia or something. Think of the money that would be saved...see inheritance!!$$

3. I've never understood why people can't get ready at home. Your car is not for the following things: Putting on your make up, shaving, reading, working on your computer, or plucking your eye brows. Yes, I've seen all of them. What you can't get done at home before you leave probably isn't important enough to risk your life. At least I know it's not important enough to risk MINE. I do realize that people who do aforementioned things truly belive they can multitask in that manner, but they can't. That would be evident by the swerving in and out of lanes as they move down the highway.

4. Fast cars were meant to move fast. If you own a luxury car such as a Lexus, BMW, Mercedes, etc, it's an embarrassment to their maker when you are riding in the PASSING lane well under the speed limit causing a mile long back up. Recently I saw a smart car pass a Mercedes. REALLY? I mean those get blown off the road by a sudden guest of wind!

5. I hate the states that have or are trying to ban cell phones in the car. However, MOST people really can't talk and drive at the same time. I'm not sure why...It's like when you put a device up to your ear, everything else has to stop. Multi-tasking people! You can drive and talk on the cell phone. It's like walking and chewing gum. For some reason, people on the phone also can't pass cars even though they are in the, yes, PASSING LANE.

6. Center turning lanes can be tricky I know. A center turning lane is so that you can move over into it without stopping. Many people cannot do this and therefore come to a complete stop before moving into the center passing lane or slow to a glacial crawl. Usually they are in the PASSING LANE! You do not, repeat, do not have to come to a complete stop before moving into the passing lane. Doing so will earn you the universal symbol for moron.

7. Now don't go sending me any hate mail. I like other people's kids, emphasis on other. However, if you have a gaggle of children in the back of your van and it looks like a circus, this might be a distraction. And you thought a cell phone was a distraction. I'm not saying don't take your kids driving and on trips, that would be silly talk. I'm merely suggesting a mild sedative. I hear Benadryl works great for this purpose. I mean really, wouldn't it be safer for all, and think of how much quieter the drive would be! Personally, I myself would need a strong sedative after an 8 hour drive with four screaming kids. I'd have to be in my happy place a long time to recover from that!

8. The south has a reputation for being filled with rednecks. We definitely have our share. They seem to multiply when a natural disaster occurs and the news crews come out. However, you do not need to fly the rebel flag on your truck. We know you are a redneck. The deer strapped to the hood, the bumper being held on with duct tape were all visual clues pointing us to the fact that you are a redneck. We don't need the rebel flag as a visual. I swear I saw 10 rebel flags flying in trucks on the way home.

9. I'm not going to say I never eat while driving. I'm busy, sometimes I have to stop by the drive through and grab something from place to place. Let's think about it though people. If you KNOW you are going to be driving, perhaps the biggest burger on the menu isn't really the best option. While you sloshing crap all over your clothes and swerving from lane to lane so you can get the last bit of food, the rest of us our defensively driving like our life depended on it...which it does. Forgo the big mac maybe and try something easier to eat so that the roads will be just a bit safer. This Thanksgiving, I saw a woman gnawing on a turkey leg...yes hard to believe I know...I'm just telling you what I saw. I'm pretty sure that turkey leg could have waited until she got home

10. And finally, if you are one of those obnoxious people who block the intersection because you just HAD to squeeze on through to get on with your busy life, don't looked shocked, dazed and confused when the cars trying to get through our cursing at you and blowing their horns at you. If it were up to me, I'd just push your car on off the road and move along my merry way. But alas, I don't make the laws and I would scratch my car.

Feel free to add to this list. I'm sure there are some things I'm missing that simply need to be said :)

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